There was a pop song that recently was a big hit, maybe you’ve heard it. “We are never ever getting back together.” by Taylor Swift. Don’t judge me, we all have our guilty pleasures. Well if you haven’t heard it, look it up on iTunes or YouTube. When I hear this song I don’t think of the pop-princess diva who has given up on her “country” roots, or how now this song is going to be stuck in my head indefinitely, or past Ex’s of whom I’d rather forget. No, I think of those bad beers that make me very sad. Sad that they have been put out there, sad that I have experienced them, and sad they are possibly some people’s first experience with beer, and unfortunately may be their last. Yes the following beers are beers that I never ever ever, want to get back together with…never, ever, ever… ever.
Warning the following reviews are TBM’s “opinions.” All words of disgust and extreme loathing are solely the opinions of experienced beer brewer/drinkers and may not reflect your thoughts and tastes.
There’s always different levels of snobbishness, and theses reviews are no exception. The first five reviews will be Nick’s worst experiences with beer. Chris will review the following five. Take a guess who the “bad” snob is.
Cervesa Caguama Light
– 3.9 % ABV
took the words out of my mouth with a rating of “awful.” There’s just no getting around it, this is a bad beer. Maybe the Spanish name “cerveza” or the fact that the English word “Light” that was suffixed should have given me a hint. I can’t even rightly say “Hey, it was free and cold” as an excuse, that’s how bad it was.
No offense to any Spanish readers, but when you think of most Adjunct lagers brewed in Mexico, quality doesn’t come to mind even if you are the “Most interesting man in the world.”
Anyway, let’s get on with the description shall we? I had to look back in my notes because I had it some time ago, and my description? “Worst Beer Ever.” It wasn’t even flavorful, it tasted like watered down dirty water, with a hint of Euro Lager bitterness. But the bitterness was more like that bile-like taste you get in the back of your mouth when you are completely disgusted at the thought of something disgusting. Now throw some carbonation and you have your brew. But hey, if you like to drink dirty laundry water go ahead, but in my book “Beware of the yellow sea turtle.”
Allagash – Hugh Malone– 7.8% ABV
You know what I absolutely love
about summer? Swallowing pool water. Actually that’s not true, but if that’s something you like to do then buy this beer. Yeesh! I had the privilege, nay, the misfortune of trying this on tap at Amherst Brewery. Yes I went to a brewery and had another brewery’s beer. In my defense I did have every beer ABC had available at the time.
Sipping this beer made me sad I didn’t go for the Gone Postal IPA (that’s a great beer). But no, I had to try something new.
gives it an average of a 3.8% rating out of 5. Beeradvocate.com gives it 89 out of 100. I did expect a bit of a pick me up. It had the Belgian yeasty flavor, and the bitterness one may expect from a good Belgian IPA, but it tasted like someone spilled their beer in a pool and then to rescue it, just dipped their cup into the pool and just said “Hey, there’s beer in there somewhere.” To me they should just change the name to Fermented Chlorine.
Dixie Brewing – Dixie Lager – 4.6% ABV
Beeradvocate.com and I don’t always see eye to eye when it comes to beer ratings, but this rating is also spot on! This god-awful brew was on “special” at a great Blues restaurant. There was nothing special about it, I actually regretted dropping two dollars on this. I should have asked for a sample, but hey now I know right?
The only thing that puts it at a higher rating than the Yellow Sea Turtle would be its crisp body. But this doesn’t even deserve the title lawn mower beer. It should be dumped onto the lawn. It kind of reminded me of a preservative-filled Heineken, heavily sweetened.
Cerveses DeDues – Tocatta Smoked Ale -11% ABV
If you’re a smoker or your getting smoked out by a camp fire you won’t be able to tell what’s wrong with this beer. It’s so extremely smokey you’d think you were actually inside a smoke house, and not in a good way.
Coors – Coor Classic – 5% ABV
You’d be happy to drink this if you like the taste of liquid chex. Then again maybe people like being reminded of their childhood cereals.
Heineken – Premium Light – 3.3% ABV
So, if it’s really, really cold, it’s still not good enough. Event he regular Heineken is OK if it’s an extremely hot day and it’s extremely cold. Only good enough for family reunions where you can’t say no when your offered.
Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma – Dos Equis Amber – 4.7% ABV
The best thing I can say about this is it was free. If I was in a country where I couldn’t drink water because of health concerns I would still hem and haw over having to drink this.
There you have it fellow readers, The Barley Men’s top 10 worst beers of all time. For a longer list, feel free to email us at firstname.lastname@example.org
If you agree or disagree, or have more to add please comment below. And yes we are aware everyone has different tastes.
Chris & Nick @thebarleymen